A Conflicted Contradiction

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I wonder how long will it take for them to realize I am not who they think I am. 

I am not the perfect daughter or the lazy innocent girl my family thinks I am. I am neither the bubbly, out going teen nor the loner that my ‘friends’ and acquaintances think I am. I can’t be described as nice or naughty.

I am a complete contrast of different personalities; I can not stay as one person for too long. 

I don’t do the things I am told to do yet I feel a need to complete the tasks given to me. 

I am an obedient rebel. A person whose mind is filled with so many thoughts it could fill up the solar system, scratch that, the universe. 

I seem to know a lot of things yet I know nothing. 

I can’t understand and I can’t differentiate between reality and delusions and truthfully I am okay with that.

I do not know what is going to happen in the future; I have plans and dreams but right now I honestly don’t want to anything to achieve them and live for the moment.

My mind is a paradox. I want to be happy yet I think of things that make me sad. I reject affection when it comes my way but I crave it. I’m ambitious yet lazy. I love who I am yet I don’t like myself. I really care but I say I don’t.

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A Letter written to former lover.

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Dear you whose name shall not be mentioned,

I find it hard to express the way I feel, so I’m writing it down. You make me confused in the most amazing way. You make me feel things no one has ever made me feel. You make better. Is that even possible? I know dating me is like dating a 12 year old (not because of my height) cause I’m almost never serious and I’m always joking around and being sarcastic., I just want you to know that even when I am pissed as hell, I still love you more than anything I just need you to know that. Sometimes I don’t know how life would be if I never loved you. You know I am not really a believer of destiny but what are the odds of dating your crush / best friend ? To be honest I don’t know how you handle me. You found your way into my heart and made it feel warm again. I’m sorry that I’m not one of those beautiful girls with a pretty mind and creativity . My hands smell like nicotine and I’m moody. Maybe I am the worst person in the universe but I will always try my best for you. Maybe not everything I wanted was meant to be but you are all that matters. I don’t know what it is about you but I don’t want to lose it because I know I will never find it in someone else. I could talk to you for hours and never get tired of you at all. It’s insane how one person can mean so much to me. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself. I honestly will never stop showing you how much you mean to me even though I have you. I could go anywhere with you and I’d probably be happy. To me you’re perfect, your flaws attract me in the most obnoxious way. I’m proud to have you not because you’re pretty (yes, you are) but because I value you as a person. You’re like this perfect and amazing person and I’m just a freak with a million problems and I don’t know why you picked me but please don’t ever go. I don’t care how complicated this gets I still want you. Its doesn’t matter where I am, I’m yours. You are always the first thought in my mind. You’re my drug.

My love for you have no in between. I don’t know what’s grey, my love for you is black and white. I’m in love with the way you look at me like I matter. I’m in love with every inch of your skin and your soul. I love you unconditionally. I need you more than you think I do, you mean the world to me.  Before you, my life was so dark that when I closed my eyes to imagine, I could see myself walking in a dim empty passage that leads to the unknown but now that I found you this darkness is gone and I can finally imagine myself smiling. Sometimes when I’m very tired I just want to lay my head on your lap and fall asleep while you run your fingers though my hair. You’re home. I love you. And it’s not because you make me happy, not because you make me feel special, nor because you’re the sweetest person ever; but because I just love you and I don’t need any reasons for that.

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Be nice

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Always be nice first, because you can always be mean later.
Once you’ve been mean to someone, they wouldn’t believe that the nice exist anymore.
So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.